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So I am completely in love with this man....and its fucking scaring the shit out of me. hes funny and smart, caring, good looking, sweet,passionate, an amazing lover<3...and I am worried that this will all go away too soon...he asked me today if I needed time away from him...and my answer was no...but when I asked him if he needed time away from me he said that he wasnt sure.
I said that I didnt want to get into another controlling relationship but love is indeed very controlling and it makes you do stupid things. All I have ever wanted was to be happy and I finally am happy I just hope that this feeling is forever because I dont think that I can handle another break-up or broken heart. I would spiral into the deepest depression that has ever occured...I can't handle being alone...and I don't want to be apart from Rob..he makes me laugh and he treats me like a human being not a slave or a dog. I really hope that I can handle this relationship and not fuck it up. I hope that I am the girl he wants to be with because I dont think that he really cares for me as much anymore...and I am in physical pain due to this feeling...I want to cut so fucking bad but I CANT start that shit again...then its all downhill from there...I could make a small cut on my leg or something he would never see that...I hope...I just enjoy punishing myself for my stupid mistakes...I should have listened to what he told me...I'm so fucking stupid...sometimes I think that Dan is right...I will never find someone who loves  me I am just not good enough for anyone...If I died tonight would anyone really fucking care? I am so fucking depressed and I don't fucking get it...I dont want to see Dan...I really fucking dont....he left me for a younger, prettier girl...and it makes me so fucking pissed off....Rob asked me today if he was the "rebound" guy and he's not...I just have alot of issues to work out...


 
Screaming inside
Bound by the lies I find
Kisses so deep
Escape the pain
Kill the weak

My heart softly wispers a lullaby
The memories are swiftly calling back
Remember all the pain
Hate the control

Hold on to the memories
Don't let them hold you back
My Mind's filled with enemies
My
heart it stays intact

With one kiss you set me free
With one touch I am yours
Please keep me safe 
With you I'm always me

I love you babii....please dont break my
<3
 
 
 
 
 
 

So I have finally gotten over being lied to..I like Vinny alot but I just cant stand people who lie. He's 29 years old and there is just no excuse for some of the things he lied about. I'm wondering if half of the other things he said were true..I feel like I lost a friend because I really never knew who he was and I started to fall for this "Imaginative guy". He tried to kill himself lastnight..well he says that he just wanted the pain to go away but I know the difference..12 Klonopins and a few zanax a little bit of booze..I dont think he's a cutter though..which is good I guess but I would have rather released the pain that way.
Its quite strange being in the situation that I am in right now..I actually am getting some attention from guys something that I havent gotten in a long time..I feel like now I have a few guys complete attention...well I know that I do. I just dont want to rush into anything so soon but I think that Wayne and I are going to be great friends...Ryan has no Idea though and I kinda feel bad about that but life goes on..Ryan and I are just friends and I dont think that Ryan and I could ever be together It just wouldnt work out. Wayne however (Ryans Best Friend) could deff be a possibility...only time will tell. I just want someone in my life that has goals and wants to do something with there life. I cant see myself daiting someone that is on dissability and is only 20-29 years old..all they want to do is drink and lie, party and smoke pot. I dont want that In my life and I dont want that type of person around me. I want a nice guy with a nice family who is attractive, sincere, has a good sense of humor and is very passionate and caring. I ask for these things because that is what I have to offer in a relationship. Plus a good heart and I am very loyal. I just want to be happy for once in my life and my happiness to create happiness in others...I want to be complete..

Babe will u complete me?

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3                  Wayne, Ryan, Vinny, Scott, Jay, Neil,  lol
 
 
 
 
 
 
I fucking hate this shit...I thought I knew who you were and I thought that you liked me. YOU fucking new that I've been through hell and back and you have the odacity to fucking lie to me...fucking lie to me to my face, my friends and my family. HOW the FUCK can I trust you now with my heart? How the FUCK do you think that its going to work now? I thought that you were different from everyone else I thought that you understood me I felt safe with you for once in a long time and thats a big deal for me...and now I feel like taking a FUCKING scalding hot shower and burning all of your shit, just like how you burned me. Is it so fucking hard to find someone who can tell you the truth and understand you. All I want is someone who has the same hopes and dreams as I do and wants to do something with there life...I'm so sick of FUCKING trying to find someone who understands me and can actually have an adult relationship. I just need a friend...I was so FUCKING scared to give you all of me because of this shit and then afterwards you tell me this shit...I feel used, ashamed and pathedic...I'm just so FUCKING hurt...I can't believe this is happening..and after all of this shit that I've said I would go running into your arms and cry my fucking eyes out because I want you in my life...I'm so goddamn confused....Love is fucking dangerous....I really just feel like dying....I new what to expect with Dan..but I thought that you were different YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULDN'T HURT ME...and once again you lied...I'm starting to wonder if you ever liked me at all or if it was just another lie...I'm wondering if you just wanted to use me for some sick little game of yours....

I just want someone to tell me that everything's going to be okay...and please actually mean it.
I'm going to go and call Tama....I miss her<3 I hope that she answers
she would understand....she's FUCKING AMAZING

Cut1out4 me~~~Addie

 
 
 
 
 
 
 So this was my life...sleeping on a hardwood floor, not listening to anything, not allowed to use the bathroom without asking, I cant shower, I cant eat anything that's not given to me...I cant write anything on paper because he thinks that im writing about him, I cant have any friends, I dont have anyone to call...I am his beautiful nothing, his ghost slave, I didn't exsist, I was nothing to him and no one knew who I was...I was the invisible girl...quiet, sad, lonely, tired, and afraid. I didn't want to be alive I tried to kill myself a few times..I cut myself alot...I cried to God alot...I'd ask him why, why did you do this to me. I never got an answer back...but I met a few people, people that changed my life. They made me feel alive again, like I was a human, they told me that I should leave that I dont belong here with him. "He will never change" they told me that over and over. Finally one day I ran away, I told myself that I would never go back to him and that he could never love me or anyone else for that matter. I spent two months without him, he told me that he was sorry that he loved me and that he would never hurt me again. I believed him. I was vulnerable and I didnt think that I was that pretty i figured that this is how some women lived. I told myself that things would be better he told me that he wanted to marry me..that I was the love of his life. We got back together and things were ok for a little while. We still argued, the emotional abuse came back in less than a month.."No one loves you", "Fat piece of shit", "Your worthless, you will never be anything". "You are disgusting, I cant even look at you." "Looking at you makes me want to throw up." "You are just like your mother, why dont you go smoke some crack with her?" Mind you we were still having sex...and I loved him in a wierd way...but I couldn't ever have sex with him and not cry...i heard all of the horrible things he'd say to me during sex....I felt used. I felt dumb and I couldn't excape....the worst part of it is when I would have bruises on my eyes and people would say " What did you do to him that made him so mad?" LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT......It just hurt so bad that no one would listen to me and it made me feel so alone....

 We ended up moving a few times and started to work together....he of course was my boss. So not only did I get shit on at home for things that I did wrong there but I also got shit on at work for shit that I did and vice versa...He was constantly calling me retarded at work in front of other workers...he threatend to "lay me out" right on the floor in front of everyone. He was a sociopathic, lying, crazy mother fucker. He started with the new girl at our  work...hes 25 shes 17 it was a match made against company polocy. And a few lies and some test messages later I figured it out...they were seeing eatch other. The kicker was when he moved her in to his parents house....we were all there...and then the police came looking for her because her mother didnt approve....how romantic..lol well to make a long story short....They are now still together living in Ware massachusetts and I hope that she has alot of fun dealing with his crazy ass bullshit...I'll read about her in the paper somewhere its only a matter of time before he starts beating on her and controlling her every move....one night after he punched me a few times to the point of hospitalization I looked right at her and said to her. "You dont think he will ever hit you?" she replied.."No! he loves me." I said "Yea, I remember those days, does this look like love to you?" ....I ran away for the final time...Jan 1st 2009.... No one has called me retarded or put me down since...I am trying to get back to the way that I was before I met him....happy and confident...its been a long time since someone has told me that  I look pretty...its been along time since I have felt I belong...Im waiting for  a guy to hold me in his arms and tell me that im safe.....but thats going to take a while...